As much as the law, technology, and even the workforce itself may change a staffer’s job over time, one thing will probably always remain the same – that ever-ubiquitous, empty-your-pockets, pee-in-a-cup, gloves-on, ‘hold your nose and pray there’s a white line because you really really neeeed this person to go to work tomorrow’ DRUG TEST!
And while drug testing new hires may be the least favorite part of our job if we’re on the front-lines of staffing, it’s also the part that provides some of the most hilarious stories, stories that, over time, are oft-repeated and, eventually, become the stuff of legend. These are the stories we tell our new hires on their first day, the ones we laugh about with our colleagues over lunch. They are the stories we’ll remember our entire working life, regardless of where we are or what we are doing.
Because let’s face it, when it comes to whether or not someone is going to pass their drug test, some people will say anything, and it’s often pretty freaking hilarious!
Here is a sampling of a few of our funniest real life drug test stories. Enjoy!
From Austyn – Bowling Green, KY:
After about three weeks of work I was still learning the ropes. One day a migrant worker (legal) comes into our office seeking employment with his friend. It is quickly understood that this man does not speak English as his friend takes up the role as his translator. We explain to the translator that he is to go use the bathroom in the cup. ‘Si,’ he says when asked if he understood, and he is off to the restroom. Ten minutes pass… Twenty minutes pass… And finally, our friend comes out with a look of frustration explaining to his friend, who then explains to us, that he is sorry that the contents of the jar is all he could muster to get out.
Upon looking at the test, we quickly noticed there must have been some miscommunication between us…
This is because this man had given us, not urine, but a stool sample!
That’s right! He took a deuce in the cup!
Although we all remained as calm as we could to save the man some embarrassment, we completely lost it after he left the office. This is my third week, mind you. I was thinking ‘Lord, what have I gotten myself into!.’
Of course, I have photo evidence but I won’t bother to attach it.
(Editor’s note: That’s probably a good thing, Austyn!)
From Mirta – Rogersville, TN
Since we staff this particular client remotely, we have to send our people to an off-site testing facility. One day, an individual called the office upset because the site had deemed his sample ‘too cold’ to be used. His excuse? He has to use ‘a catheter’ to provide the urine sample! He hung up when we explain to him that, catheter or not, his sample should have still been warm.
From Susan – Abingdon, VA
I had a younger guy come in with his mother. He finished all his paperwork and we headed to the restroom to drug test. I gave him the cup and told him all the rules. While I was waiting for him to finish, I noticed a small pocket sized hand sanitizer on the sink. I thought hmm, the cleaning guy has put hand sanitizer out.
The guy was taking a little while (I figured he was young and nervous, maybe 18). As I stood waiting my eyes drifted back to the hand sanitizer. I thought, that’s strange, I have never seen yellow hand sanitizer before. I picked up the bottle and noticed that it was in fact NOT hand sanitizer, but someone’s sample they had left for us.
About that time, the guy came out and I just sat it back on the counter with the intentions of throwing it out when we were done. I am testing the sample and the poor little fellow picks up the hand sanitizer, squirts it on his hands, and starts rubbing. It is running down his arms and obviously not drying like hand sanitizer normally does. As he just keeps rubbing I am thinking, ‘Oh My Gosh, should I tell this kid he just washed his hands in pee?’
Then I look at his drug test and he has failed for THC. I almost thought I owed him a pass or something! I told him he had failed and he admitted he had smoked. He asked if I would please not tell his Mom. I told him sure, I would not tell her. I figured I owed him that much but I just could not bring myself to tell him about the hand sanitizer.
And yeah, for obvious reasons I also thought I would pass on shaking hands!
From Shirley – Bowling Green, KY
I have a few that come to mind:
Told a lady that her drug test did not have a temperature, so she stuck her finger in it to see!
Person tested positive for THC, Methamphetamine, and Amphetamine. Looked at us with a straight face and said Im taking Sudafed.
A guy was going full time at one of our companies. The HR lady called me and said he tried to sneak someone elses urine in his boot. I called him and he said, Well I didnt think I could pass the test.
From Chris – Knoxville, TN
Here are a few for you:
A lady told me that she tested positive for THC because she had big mammary glands & that her doctor told her that the THC would stay in them for a while.
After failing her drug test for a job she was supposed to start today, one lady said, “I never should have smoked that joint this morning!”
I had a guy who failed for cocaine. His excuse was that he caught his daughter with it and when he tried to wrestle it from her the bag exploded in his face.
A lady once told me she was going to test positive because she had gonorrhea.